SEOI don’t get SEO, or anything to do with Google and search engines. don’t try and explain it to me. You might as well talk to me in Tagalog. But recently, out of sheer curiosity, I looked at my Google Analytics tool, and checked out all the ways people have discovered my blog through Google.

 I am frankly astonished.

 So to any of you who used any of these search terms below – and Google says you did, they couldn’t make this stuff up  – may I say this:

“ow to shoot ay wife” – why in the name of all that is holy were you searching this on Google?

 “mistress horse whip” – sorry you must have been so disappointed when you got here

“is there wine called marie celeste” – No, there isn’t. Don’t ask me why, it’s a mystery.

 “octopus in a bag approach to parenting”  – you want my alter ego. Check BEGINNER’S GUIDE TO FATHERHOOD here

 “women smarter than men” – why is there only 1 of you? Google Adwords says this is searched 3 million times a second

 “what does ‘hold on to history’ mean? – sorry, I have no idea either

“killing people for fun and profit” – It’s OK to use this phrase as a blog title but not as search term. Pal, you need a shrink not an internet connection

“man pours.acid on his.hand on thsts inctedible”  – hint: pouring acid on your hand makes it hard to spell words on a computer

 “man eating ants” – what a difference a hyphen makes!

“donald murray 1984 said writing is” – don’t leave me hanging, what did he say??

“ivana trump feet” – do you have a foot fetish?

 “most famous secrets” – if it’s a secret it’s not famous

stigmata “stigmata freckle on hand” – a stigmata is not a freckle. If it was, there’d be a lot more Irish saints.

 “is vampire real do they never die” – no, they’re not real. Sorry.

 “cant enter genkhis khan” – no you can’t, he kill you if you try

 “just 18 com” – God knows how you ended up here. AND MAKE SURE THEY REALLY ARE JUST 18, PLEASE

 “サイモンとガーファンクル 画像” – I’d love to know what that means in English

 “cleopatra bathed in her own urine?” – ewww! No she didn’t

 “feet rotting” – I feel very sad you found my blog this way but I can understand the confusion  lily feet

“is it safe to eat noodles with ants” – no, it’s not, they keep running off with the prawn crackers

 “write short stories to make money?” – I suggest a better search term is: ‘easier to sell snow to eskimos.’

 “was anyone injured in the running of the bulls” – does a Bear relieve himself in the woods?

 “i want to know that is colin more dangerous than carbolic acid” – no colin is a teddy bear, really

 “cleopatra: queen of sex” – no, queen of Egypt. You shouldn’t believe everything you hear in the Forum. 

“disgusting asian feet” – yet another foot fetishist. I knew I shouldn’t have done this post

 “boeing 737-500 for sale” – only one careful owner. Bit of rust on the starboard wing, otherwise in perfect condition. All offers considered.


I hope you enjoyed my post. And because I want to see you all back here regularly, I am offering a free copy of Looking for Mr. Goodstory to anyone who joins my blog! It’s a collection of my favorite blog posts over the last six months – all you have to do is join up, then write to me at colin underscore falconer underscore author at hotmail dot com. I’ll send you a copy as a mobi Epub or PDF file!

Colin Falconer, historical fiction

About colinfalconer

author of bestselling historical novels like Anastasia, When We Were Gods, Aztec and Harem. My books have been published in the UK, US and ANZ and translated into seventeen languages.
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31 Responses to THE WTF IN MY SEO

  1. prudencemacleod says:

    Oh man, now I’m afraid to look at mine. You really couldn’t make this stuff up. tee hee

    • No, you really can’t make it up, Prudence. I had no intention of doing a post about this but I just happened to look at the search terms results and just couldn’t believe my eyes!

  2. Great article as usual, Colin! I’m either enjoying a good laugh or learning some trivia of history with every blog you write. Keep ’em coming! All the best to you….

    • Great! Thanks Glenn. Because that’s really what I’m aiming for, that combination of humour and interest in interesting and entertaining history. In blog, as in life, I hope.

  3. Marion says:

    How do you find the time to research all this – or is it research for some future book. By the way, why not come over here in January, we are going to have a public (fund raising) debate on ‘Is God google?’ this can be explained if required!!!!!

  4. These are great! Now I’m curious as to what I’ll find when I look at mine. O.O
    Great post as always!

  5. Loved this post, Colin! Thanks for my first laughs of the week!

  6. lynettemburrows says:

    Too funny. The internet is a place of many tastes and talents. 😛 And while these were a lot of fun, were there search words or phrases that not only made sense, but gave you an indication of which of your posts were a popular search item?

    • You’re very sharp, Lynette. Yes they did tell me quite a bit, as bizarre as they were. They also told me I should be doing a lot more posts about shooting my wife, if I want to have a popular blog. Now what does that tell us about society??? I think I’ll pass on that kind of celebrity.

  7. Hilarious! I don’t use Google Analytics, not being able to work out how to get it going, but I used check Statcounter before I decided that Blogger’s own stats were probably more accurate or better for the ego, anyway. And one thing Statcounter has that Blogger doesn’t is “keyword analysis” which tells you what search terms led people to your site. I got some equally bizarre search terms and often wondered what the searchers thought if/when they reached my innocent YA book blog.

    • I’ve wondered about the difference between Blogger’s stats and Google’s. You’re right, one is definitely more ego-oriented! Like you, I do feel for the person who TYPED ‘WHIP HORSE MISTRESS’ and arrived at my harmless little blog.

  8. CC MacKenzie says:


    No idea, but I have a man who can! And I don’t listen to him either. All I know is in my spam folder there’s a lotta lotta weird people who if my commenters saw what they say they’d run a mile. I suppose I should know, but I like to be challenging and push boundaries, a bit like yourself, so we’re bound to attract nutters, and knowing about them might cramp our style and creative flow. That’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it.

  9. susielindau says:

    Fun post! The guy with the disturbing feet however…..
    I haven’t checked Google SEO. I get a lot through WordPress that crack me up!

  10. My funniest so far is “hairy Lara,” – I believe because someone remembered a bit of my profile about being an optimist when things get “a little dark and hairy.” I’ve since changed my profile 🙂

    Thanks for the good laughs!

  11. I wonder if your add for _Lesbian Horse Stories_ had an effect 🙂

  12. Debra Kristi says:

    These are great! I’ve seen some funny ones on mine, but my immortal searches eclipse everything else. Not so funny.

  13. I have had some pretty strange ones on mine. Wish I’d written them all down, but the only one I can remember, because it made me laugh so hard was, kristy naked on a boat. There is absolutely nothing on my blog about a boat.

    Loved reading about yours. I’m glad you keep track of them better than I do. 🙂

  14. Pingback: Friday Link Roundup | Jordan L. Hawk

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