I don’t get SEO, or anything to do with Google and search engines. don’t try and explain it to me. You might as well talk to me in Tagalog. But recently, out of sheer curiosity, I looked at my Google Analytics tool, and checked out all the ways people have discovered my blog through Google.
I am frankly astonished.
So to any of you who used any of these search terms below – and Google says you did, they couldn’t make this stuff up – may I say this:
“ow to shoot ay wife” – why in the name of all that is holy were you searching this on Google?
“is there wine called marie celeste” – No, there isn’t. Don’t ask me why, it’s a mystery.
“octopus in a bag approach to parenting” – you want my alter ego. Check BEGINNER’S GUIDE TO FATHERHOOD here
“women smarter than men” – why is there only 1 of you? Google Adwords says this is searched 3 million times a second
“what does ‘hold on to history’ mean? – sorry, I have no idea either
“killing people for fun and profit” – It’s OK to use this phrase as a blog title but not as search term. Pal, you need a shrink not an internet connection
“man pours.acid on his.hand on thsts inctedible” – hint: pouring acid on your hand makes it hard to spell words on a computer
“man eating ants” – what a difference a hyphen makes!
“donald murray 1984 said writing is” – don’t leave me hanging, what did he say??
“ivana trump feet” – do you have a foot fetish?
“most famous secrets” – if it’s a secret it’s not famous
“is vampire real do they never die” – no, they’re not real. Sorry.
“cant enter genkhis khan” – no you can’t, he kill you if you try
“just 18 com” – God knows how you ended up here. AND MAKE SURE THEY REALLY ARE JUST 18, PLEASE
“サイモンとガーファンクル 画像” – I’d love to know what that means in English
“cleopatra bathed in her own urine?” – ewww! No she didn’t
“feet rotting” – I feel very sad you found my blog this way but I can understand the confusion
“is it safe to eat noodles with ants” – no, it’s not, they keep running off with the prawn crackers
“write short stories to make money?” – I suggest a better search term is: ‘easier to sell snow to eskimos.’
“was anyone injured in the running of the bulls” – does a Bear relieve himself in the woods?
“i want to know that is colin more dangerous than carbolic acid” – no colin is a teddy bear, really
“cleopatra: queen of sex” – no, queen of Egypt. You shouldn’t believe everything you hear in the Forum.
“disgusting asian feet” – yet another foot fetishist. I knew I shouldn’t have done this post
“boeing 737-500 for sale” – only one careful owner. Bit of rust on the starboard wing, otherwise in perfect condition. All offers considered.
I hope you enjoyed my post. And because I want to see you all back here regularly, I am offering a free copy of Looking for Mr. Goodstory to anyone who joins my blog! It’s a collection of my favorite blog posts over the last six months – all you have to do is join up, then write to me at colin underscore falconer underscore author at hotmail dot com. I’ll send you a copy as a mobi Epub or PDF file!