WHERE THERE’S A WOMB THERE’S A WAY, PART 2

So before I was so rudely interrupted by Mick Jagger, we were talking, appropriately enough, about the history of contraception.

THIS IS NOT HAPPENING:

Colin Falconer, humor, birth control

“I’m trying to look disinterested but you just dislocated my hip.”

I was just about to tell you how they tried to stop having babies in China.

In 800 BC Master Tung Hsuan advocated feats of superhuman control.

He said that at the last moment the man should: ‘ … close his eyes and concentrate his thoughts … he presses his tongue against the roof of his mouth, bends his back and stretches his neck … he opens his nostrils wide and squares his shoulders and sucks in his breath … to avoid emission.’

Sylvester Stallone has been doing the same thing for years. He called it acting.

In India it was the woman’s responsibility to avoid pregnancy by remaining as dispassionate as possible during intercourse. If she took no interest, then it was thought the womb wouldn’t either.

This rule only applied during daylight, because the sun played such a vital role in conception it was believed perfectly safe to have sex at night without consequences.

The current population of India is 1.24 billion.

PREGNANT PAUSE

Colin Falconer, humor, birth controlThe Apache indians could not conceive that one night of love could result in a baby. They thought only a fool or a boaster believed you could get a squaw in the wigwam way with one puny effort.

If you had sex three times a week then you could perhaps get a baby started in a couple of months.

The Romanic gypsies knew for a fact that a woman could not conceive until she had drunk a glass of water into which her husband had spat. Not quite as good as a mojito, but perhaps it gave rise to the expression: ‘the spitting image of his father.’

MY BABY WROTE ME A FRENCH LETTER

Colin Falconer, humor, birth controlFinally, progress: in the seventeenth century one Colonel Condom (no relation to General Anaesthetic or Corporal Punishment) of the Grenadier Guards invented the first prophylactic. They were made from pigskin and were greeted with great suspicion at first.

Their efficacy was not acknowledged until about a hundred years later when one company started packaging them in tins bearing full color portraits of Queen Victoria and her prime minister, Mister Gladstone, to give the contents an aura of respectability. ‘

(To clarify: they were not shown actually using the product.)

Despite the great service to humanity no nation has been eager to claim the humble condom as its own. To this day the British call them ‘French letters’ while the French refer to them as capotes anglaises – English greatcoats.

STILL IT’S BETTER THAN CROCODILE DUNG

Colin Falconer, humor, birth control

author: Jeff Dahl

In the late fifties the introduction of the oestrogen pill revolutionized the business of family planning. Initially though, it caused confusion: ‘Will this new Pill,’ one lady wrote to an agony column, ‘stop me getting pregnant by my lover as well as my husband?’

But 4000 years after the Kahun Papyrus and the crocodile dung there is still no method outside of abstinence that is 100% effective. Where there’s a womb, there’s a way.

In 1974 a Swedish woman went to a spoon-bending demonstration by the Israeli psychic, Uri Geller. A few months later she named him in a paternity suit, claiming that he had not only bent spoons with the power of his mind during his performance, he had also bent her copper IUD. She had subsequently become pregnant.

As Master Huang Tsuan could have told her – nothing’s foolproof.

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Holy Week, Easter, Spain

COLIN FALCONER

About colinfalconer

author of bestselling historical novels like Anastasia, When We Were Gods, Aztec and Harem. My books have been published in the UK, US and ANZ and translated into seventeen languages.
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4 Responses to WHERE THERE’S A WOMB THERE’S A WAY, PART 2

  1. K.B. Owen says:

    LOL, Colin, fab stuff here! Don’t forget Captain Underpants. 😉

  2. You are hilarious Colin! We’ve come a long way baby! Thankfully. Okay. Do tell. How were the “Stones”? Can those old men still rock out, or what? That had to have been an amazing concert. I’ve seen Paul McCartney, but not The Stones. I’ve heard they put on a terrific show. And Hyde Park no less. Way to score Colin. 🙂

    • The Stones were fantastic. Mick can still leap about like he did when he was a teenager – I don’t think he’s done nearly the drugs, alcohol or cigarettes that Keith has. There was a Dutch couple next to us, he’d been to see the Stones 60 times! They met at a Stones concert inn 1996 – and he finally proposed to her, right there next to us, during You Can’t Always Get What You Want! It was brilliant.

  3. filbio says:

    Good thing to know birth control has come a long way, along with knowing how to actually make a baby!

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